Beat the Joke Above You!

@ Leo: That's the first time I heard one of those puns. I couldn't help but laugh at that one XD

I found this one in a book i have and thought it would be fun to share:

Chester: Howie!
Howie: What, Pop?
Chester: Do you have a point to make here? Do you know what I mean by a point?
Howie: Yes I have a point to make! And what was you other question? Do I know what a point meant? Of course I do. I had an appointment just last week with the vet.

i loled at both of those. my turn.
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

@Abbey: I can't remember any jokes atm but I just have to comment on your post. That is an awesome one XD Poor Ol' Fred though ;___;

i felt kinda sorry for the priest. he had to read that outloud in front of the guys family and friends. i'll wait till you post till i put another up. can't really beat my own joke.

@ abbeytre3
haha ol fred's joke is so funny!
its hard to beat..
ok then heres mine
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down
hope its hard to beat... gah! who am i joking! its not that funny!

lol. it took me a second but then i laughed okay i got another one
Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.
Denis Leary i memorized that quote and like to tell random people on the street it. they usualy laugh then walk away... really fast.

This jew goes to a bank in new york and asks "can i get a 5000 dollar loan?" they say they need collateral so he gives them his keys to the car.

He goes away for two weeks, and they park his car in an underground parking lot

when he gets back he pays them back the 5000 dollars and 15.41 dollars of interest. While he was gone they did a background check on him

he was a multimillionaire and they asked why he needed the loan

he replies "where else in new york can you park your car for two weeks for 15 dollars?"

oh i heard that one. i laugh every time XD

If a muffin is an ugly cupcake then what is a dolphin?



---A gay shark

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

-loves this joke-

I got fired from my job the other day because my manager thought it was inappropriate for me to be sleeping with the clients.

Last time I ever work as an undertaker.

Sasuke: "Sakura, I'm about to say to you what Naruto fans have been wanting to say to you for the longest time. SHUT, THE HELL UP, YOU FUZZBAG."
The wind blows...
Sasuke: "Okay I made that last part up."


(i love naruto abridged XD)

@abbeytre3
bwaahaha i bet sakura's really mad.....lol i can imagine sasuke saying that
ok here's a joke

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

When I die I hope I go peacefully while sleeping like my uncle...
Not scared out of my mind and screaming like the passengers on his bus.

that's a good one. heres a one liner
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

xD i love one-liners

Here's one:

A man is speeding down the road when he gets pulled over by the police.

They are suspicious that he is drink-driving, and ask him to do a breathalyzer test. however, he says, "I have asthma, and doing a breathalyzer test may trigger it."

So the police say, alright, we'll have to do a blood test. but the man says "i'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, i'll never stop bleeding."

So finally, the police ask him to walk in a straight line along the ground. Howver, once again, he says, "sorry. I cant do that."

"why not?" ask the police.

"duh, because im drunk" says the man.

xD my friend told me this one today

OMG! that was great!
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

Dave is drinking at a bar when another man clearly wasted approaches him with an odd wager.
"Hey man, I could jump off the roof of that building there and be sucked into the window a few floors up from the ground, and be safe, not a scratch."
Dave is curious and takes him up on his bet, and he stands in front of the building as the drunk man makes it to the roof and begins his dangerous dare. He falls many stories, but no more than 3 floors from the ground, he suddenly swoops into the window that was conveniently open.
Dave is shocked when the drunk man staggers out from the front door, without a mark.
Dave says "I am not paying you a thing, If I do it too, I owe you nothing"
The other man just nods and says "Deal"
So Dave repeats the drunk mans stunt, he leaps from the roof, falls many storeys.... and hits the pavement and dies...
The barman walks out and confronts the man...
"Thats the 4th customer this month Superman!!!!! I think you need to find a new bar!!"